Posted by: Ingrid | June 30, 2007

Shock and bewilderment

I don’t understand how it could all happen like this.  I mean, I was here less than a week ago and my mom was here, taking short walks, looking and feeling better, eating carob brownies, and going to church.  And now she’s gone.  I never thought it would be like this.  I never anticipated or envisioned any of what’s gone on.  She was so… alive.  And it keeps hitting me at different times.  She’s dead.  She’s gone.  I never get to see her again.  Again and again it hits, it wasn’t supposed to be like this.  Somehow I thought that we all be there, gathered around her bed and there would be that Oh, I see Jesus moment and we would send her off with him and… it wouldn’t be okay, but it would be better than this.  Never did the plans involve a phone call at 1:06 am, my Dad’s number lighting up eerily in the dark, it didn’t involve my sister huddled on the porch waiting for the ambulance and her boyfriend.  It didn’t involve my brother working at camp 3 hours away.  It didn’t involve not being able to breathe and acute internal bleeding and dying in the bathroom in a pool of blood.  It wasn’t supposed to be like that.  It wasn’t supposed to be ugly and painful. 

It’s hard to close my eyes now.  I want to know that she’s okay.  But nothing turned out the way I thought it would in death, how do I know that she’s okay now?  All I can think about is her coughing and not being able to breathe, she was always so afraid of that.  Did it hurt?  Did she know?  Was she scared?  Is she okay?

It doesn’t stop hitting me.  Shock.  Bewilderment.  She’s gone. 

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Responses

  1. Q:”…nothing turned out the way I thought it would in death, how do I know that she’s okay now?”

    A:- By faith.
    “What is faith? It is the confident assurance that something we want is going to happen. It is the certainty that what we hope for is waiting for us, even though we cannot see it up ahead…By faith – by believing God- we know that the world and the starts – in fact, all things – were made at God’s command, and that they were made from nothing!” Heb.11:1&3, Living NT

    You wanted things to end better,yet you were
    not promised by God how the details on this side of eternity would play out. But you do have the promise of eternal life in many places of Scripture, such as I John 5:10-13 and good old John 3:16. You know deep in your heart that your mom is in the loving presence of our Lord, because she professed faith in Him, and clung to His promises. She is at peace in His presence. May His peace surround you and your family;His Holy Spirit reassure you of His faithfulness.


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