Posted by: Ingrid | July 3, 2007

Fare forward

This doesn’t seem to get easier.  I don’t know that it will for a while.  I don’t know that I’d really want it to.  The cleaning frenzy has worn off, leaving me plodding through piles of stuff.  How do you get rid of someones clothes without feeling like you’re getting rid of the person?  I stop and look at everything.  Every list, every card, every scrap of paper that might contain something that she’d written or that had been written about her.  Something that would give me some sort of clue into who she was.  I never get to ask her questions again.

Then there are the phone calls to friends who don’t know and comforting people who flip out when I tell them.  I reassure them that we’re okay.  That people are doing so much.  That their sympathy means so much.

There are so many questions for a funeral; the music, the flowers, an endless list.  I bite my tongue when people ask me one more time for an opinion and let them know that whatever they do will be beautiful and thank you so much.

I’m tired.  I can sleep nine hours and still feel like I can’t get out of bed.  But things have to be done, questions have to be answered, and somewhere in all of this, I suppose grieving occurs.

Sometimes it all seems the way my brother sees it.  He said goodbye to Mom and went to camp and now he’s back and she’s not.  It’s like they both went on a trip and now when the door opens he thinks “Mom’s home!”  but she’s not.  But I know what he means.  How can she not be coming back?

“Not farewell, but fare forward…”

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