Posted by: Ingrid | July 16, 2007

Can I get a takeback?

Last week was easier. Can I have last week back? At least last week there was a faint novelty to being at my desk. There was something of a blurring cushion of shock. Starting this week feels like hitting concrete. Hard. Because the farther most people get from the death the less they remember it and the less it affects them. And the farther away from it I get the more it sinks in, sinks in deeply and painfully, that my mom is not here. She will never ever be here again. And for all that I know that she’s not in pain and in the presence of God, I really don’t believe in huge family reunions on the other side of death. Maybe if I did it would be more comfortable. But she’s not here and I will never experience having a mom in the specific she-gave-birth-to-me-and-raised-me-and-remembers-silly-things-I-did-when-I-was-two sense in this life again. I know that at some point it gets… better, but that point is not now. And what to do with the people who simultaneously tell me that it’s normal not to be okay and then expect “okay-ness” from me?

My dad went into San Francisco the other days and saw the flat where I was born and all sorts of other places he and my Mom used to frequent before I was born. I thought that was very brave of him.


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