Posted by: Ingrid | August 8, 2007

Broken inside

I glanced at the picture on my desk yesterday and didn’t even recognize her for a moment. We both look so happy, me in my wedding dress and she in the dress that was so hard to find (What shade of red should it be again?). But she found a dress and now it’s hanging in my closet. Who knows if I’ll ever wear it. It just felt wrong to get rid of something that she’d had for such a short time, that she’d worn to the wedding, that took so much effort to find.

Was she really alive? Was she really here? Did her life really impact mine? How do you forget, even for a moment, something that important?  How could I forget when everything from my physical features to what I really think about eggplant as food was shaped by her?

These days I don’t even know how to get at what I feel. I don’t even know half the time if I’m feeling anything and for most of the other half I don’t care. Which is probably for the better since the only thing I’m allowed to feel at work is fine (not that most people ask anymore) , and deep down, I’m pretty far from that. But it’s that deep down sort of feeling that you can’t really get at with words, that makes me frustrated when I try to write about it and leaves me feeling stupid when I try to talk.

In general, I suppose I mostly find myself sitting at my desk, trying to stretch 6 pointless hours of work into 8, and thinking that life, overall, really sucks.

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