Posted by: Ingrid | August 10, 2007

Family

Clint and I fly up to see most of my Mom’s family tomorrow.  And I’m nervous.  Last time I saw them was the funeral and the burial, and they’re mixed in with snapshots of the day: gathering together in the funeral home, the slideshow and the music, going numb, the feel of the cold waxen hands my sister and I lifted up to place wildflowers underneath, the not-quite-right look to the face and the mouth, the surreal feeling of the day, all the comments about how brave and helpful I was, the casket closing with her inside.  They’re so mixed up in my mind that it almost feels like too much, like seeing them will bring the funeral feelings (or non-feelings) rushing back over me.  Or worse yet, I’m afraid that it will be like the time in early June while my Mom was in for surgery, all of the bantering and laughing, too loud, too boisterous, too much to deal with.

And ironically enough, I’m afraid I’m going to act like my Mom almost always did when we were with her family.  Somehow going back to her family of origin always managed to bring stuff up and she would disappear, shut herself off in a room,  avoid people, and then get mad at herself later.  I don’t want to do that either.

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