Posted by: Ingrid | August 15, 2007

“Will daybreak ever come…”

Or do you just turn on the lights and pretend that it has? 

I really don’t know.  I don’t know how long I should let myself “be” with all of the change and emotional shifts that are happening when so much of life and so many people have moved on.  I don’t know if by allowing myself to feel what’s going on I’ll evenutally move past it and it won’t be so bad, or if I’ll just end up depressing everyone who knows me and leave them wondering why I can’t,  for once, JUST BE HAPPY FOR A FULL DAY FOR HEAVEN’S SAKE.  Nothing like feeling like I’m frustrating the world to leave me… frustrated with myself and wondering why I seem to be innately defective.  Why can’t I just make things work?  Why is this taking so long?  I mean, it doesn’t seem long to me at all, but we’re a culture that doesn’t take time for much of anything, and I get the feeling that I’m way behind some unwritten timetable. 

On the other hand, can I just treat it like something I can turn on and off?  Declare myself done with grieving because it’s messing up my life and flip the switch?  My inclination is that even if I could manage to do that for any period of time, everything is just going to ooze out around the corners eventually.  Can you really act your way into a feeling and move on without crippling your soul?  Or is it worse to let yourself just be in a really yucky place and trust that time will change that when it involves being tired and angry and sad and discouraged?  A lot.  And should other people’s experience of me at the time change how I live?  Do I pull everything together because I’m driving everyone nuts?

I’m so confused.

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