Posted by: Ingrid | August 28, 2007

Two months

I lay in bed last night, staring at the ceiling, letting the tears drip onto my pillow. There’s something about monthly reminders of Mom’s death that hit with intensity each time. Two months ago she was alive and okay. Two hours later and she was dead. The phone call coming so unexpectedly, the catch in my Dad’s voice, “I’m so sorry, she died.” The disbelief and shock. I’m still scared at night. Scared that there will be more phone calls. Scared that more people will die. That I’ll die. I’m so tired of life seeming painful and ugly and depressing. Does that change? Ever? Of course there are moments of other things but they don’t last. What’s wrong with me?

Does it matter if we pray? I can’t help thinking that more and more. I’ve read the books, I know we’re supposed to talk with God, I know that it changes us, but I wonder why we bother asking for things. I hear people talking about answered prayer and wonder how they know. Because they prayed about something specific and it came true? Why do we attribute that to God? Is there any point in saying much more than “Let whatever is going to happen happen?” Because it seems like that’s what we get in the end anyway.

Or maybe I’m just being cynical. I don’t know anymore.  Or maybe I just don’t care.  I keep wondering when life is going to be better. Is it going to be better? Or do I just pretend it is and move on. I don’t feel like I have enough energy to be fake. Where is the line between authenticity and and living a lie, anyway? I wish I knew.

I wish everything would just stop hurting.

 

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