Posted by: Ingrid | September 28, 2007

Three months out

It’s amazing that three months can go by so quickly. It’s amazing how long the pain can linger. It’s amazing how quickly life goes on. It’s amazing that my heart still has trouble grasping the fact that she’s not coming back. Ever.

Things I wish people knew three months out:

-It still hurts. Picture the parent you’re closest to. Then picture never being able to see them, talk to them, or hug them again. Think about the unanswered questions you’d have. The stories you’ll never hear. All of the special moments that they will miss. And then sit with that. For the rest of your life.

-My mom is on my mind a lot. Sometimes I want to talk about it. Not just to myself.

-Little things trigger big emotions.

-I wish people would think more about friendship in the midst of loss. That instead of asking questions like “Where have you been!?! I never see you!?!” they would stop and visualize the parent they’re closest to dying slowly for three years, the relentless strains and what-ifs and hopes and fears and watching the person get sicker and weaker, think about that person going through major surgery, think about watching the intense pain of a person you love as they do what they have to in order to survive even if it’s excrutiating, think about the pull and the guilt of wondering whether you’re doing enough, seeing them enough, loving them enough, think about the phone ringing in the middle of the night telling you that you’ll never talk to them again, picture that person you love so much bleeding to death on the floor, picture the numbness and the anger and the pain and bewilderment that go along with that. Then ask yourself where you would hope your friends would in the middle of that.

-I wish people would understand that grief is draining and tiring.

-I wish people knew that it’s not just one death, one change. It’s the complete change and restructuring of a family.  The death of so many familiar things.

-I wish people understood that the first two years are the hardest. Not the first two days.

-It’s hard to go through this without second guessing everything I feel and every response I have.

-I wish I knew that people could handle emotions and questioning and pain rather than feeling like I

have to carefully portion myself out.

-It’s hard to see my friends with their moms.

-I wish people knew that all of the above and then some is normal and okay.

It’s strange to know that I haven’t seen my mom in a quarter of a year and will never see her again for the rest of my life.

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Responses

  1. I love you honey.


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