Posted by: Ingrid | February 28, 2008

Nothing and everything have changed, and I don’t understand.

When I look at the past month I see that all of the key components that cause various forms of discontent are still in place. My husband still has several years of school ahead. My Mom is still dead. I still work at a job that I’m not passionate about. I don’t know what I want to do with my life. People are still busy. And those pesky 12-17 pounds that I think would look so good off? Still there.

But everything has been different this month too and I’m not sure why. I’ve felt more centered, more grounded, more at peace with my self and my surroundings. In some ways I’ve tiptoed through February in fear that everything would collapse beneath me, but it hasn’t. Life has not been perfect, either, but it has been full and good.

There is a part of me that wants to dissect and explain this. Have I grown? Am I more content? More patient? Less controlling? Is it just circumstances? Is this just a phase? A temporary respite? Will next month be good as well? Am I changing? Will this last?

There is another part of me, however, that thinks perhaps I need to leave the dissection to others more qualified than I and simply live it right now.


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