Posted by: Ingrid | January 27, 2009

Pregnancy: Week 7

Weight: 128.8/B:37 (up 1)/W:26.25 (up .25)/H:35.5 (same)

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I was not happy about my weight this morning, though I am happy to have moved on to week 7. Good Lord. Have I only known about this for two weeks? How do new mothers not go insane? I figure, since I was an entire pound lighter yesterday morning, that my weight is up do to the fact that I ate a ton of sodium yesterday as well as the lovely effects progersterone has on the digestive system. I WANT MY BODY BACK! It haven’t even changed that much yet, but I still feel like it’s crazily out of control.

I’m currently trying to figure out what I should be running in the next two months. Yesterday I didn’t feel great. Today, I feel fantastic! I’d like to do something small this month and next and then do the Surf City half marathon on February 1. I’ll be just into my second trimester which means A) I would get to wear the t-shirt that I’m in the process of designing, B) I could run it with friends and not worry about pushing, C) It would be good incentive to keep my running up over the next two months, and D) If the worst happened and I had a miscarriage it would give me something fun on my calendar that I’d signed up for and would have to do. But it’s $80… there’s the rub. Hmmm.

So far I can still run. I’m still aiming for 35 miles this week, but I should probably not do that in following weeks unless I feel amazing. I’ve run 20 miles in the past three days. I don’t feel amazing. I feel tired.

I actually emailed Champion USA today to find out if they have any half off sports bra sales coming up. It went something along the lines of: I love your bras! I bought two of them recently and then found out I’m pregnant and my 34C probably should be a 34DD now. Please, please, PLEASE tell me you’re having a sale soon. Please?

I don’t crave pickles, I crave a sports bra that fits. And pickles on the side. Mmmmm. Salt.

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Today I feel pensive and a little melancholy. “Every new beginning comes from some other beginning’s end” sang Green Day, and I couldn’t agree more. I feel a deep sense of loss. Loss of my body, loss of my running goals, possibly the loss of running all together, loss of sleep, loss of quiet, loss of life as I know it. All of life is about losing things, but this is hard. I don’t mean to be whiny about it, but I don’t like it.

My weight jumped to 129 this morning and I’m trying not to out and out panic. I don’t think it’s real weight, but it’s still on me, weighing me down, out of control, scary. I don’t want a pregnant body. I don’t want to be slow and tired. I’m not allowed to be slow and tired and fat. There’s too much that I have to do and take care of. Pregnancy feels like the ultimate betrayal of my body. I have no control and oh God, do I long for control right now.

12-12-

I have to admit, there is something to being pregnant at this time of year that makes me feel as though I’ve entered a sort of comraderie with the women of Christmas story, Mary and Elizabeth. I think there must be something universal about the experience, a sort of understanding that makes this Christmas experience different, even as I find myself laying down some of the trappings and projects of Christmas that simply feel like too much right now. Even as I feel the frustration and stress of what sometimes seems an invasion of my body and who I am I would still do anything to protect this tiny person inside of me. I’m still amazed that all of us walking around survived all of the forming and growing and the million little things that could maybe go wrong before birth. Life is such a beautiful fragile celebratory thing.

In other news, I signed up for the Surf City half marathon yesterday and made my craziness official. I should only be in the middle of 14 weeks then, so not too big, but…13.1 miles…oh my.

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The last couple of days have been not so fun. Slight nausea on and off, a little more tired than usual. Nothing bad, I guess, and surely nothing as horrible and debilitating as some women have it. But it’s different and I don’t like change. I especially don’t like out of control change happening to my body. So far, I am not impressed with my first trimester and really dislike how my pregnant body looks and feels (yes, I can tell the difference even if almost nothing has changed). I’m baffled right now that women do this over and over again. I’m sure there’s some sort of hormone that’s supposed to kick in about now to squelch that thought, right?

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Responses

  1. Ingrid, pregnancy isn’t the ultimate betrayal, it is what your body was DESIGNED to do. God gave us the greatest gift, I think, when he allowed us to create with him. Yeah, it isn’t all fun and sunshine, but it is glorious. Our bodies give LIFE. Isn’t that the most incredible thing ever? Even though I occasionally tell Gabe that next time it is his turn 😉 I really think that it is our greatest gift to be able to grow a baby.


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