Posted by: Ingrid | June 24, 2011

Grief, revisited

Today would have been my mom’s 60th birthday.  It is strange to have someone you love so much caught in a freeze frame in your mind.  I cannot imagine what she would have been like at 60 and I will never know.  It’s true when people say that grief will change over time, it takes a different shape as you move through it but some grief, I think, as much as it changes, is always going to leave a hurt and an ache inside.

The grief is more subtle, less pronounced, but still most emphatically there.  Life goes on, people change, but you don’t forget.  The fact that there have been several years now, to buffer the sharp emotional edge does not change the fact that my mom never got to be a grandma.  She never got to see my brother graduate from high school.  There will always be those things that never were and never will be.  No memories of her with my children, no later family gatherings that will involve multiple generations all together and getting on each other’s nerves.

I will admit, while my mom isn’t on my mind the way she was shortly after her death, I am not immune from the tearing feeling I get when I read about people who actually survived cancer.  I am not free from jealousy when I see or hear about friends’ moms coming  to visit or to play and help with the kids.  Casual comments that imply that when a woman went back to school “of course” her mom next door took care of the grand kids sometimes hurt much more than I would ever let on.  Because while I am so incredibly happy for these other women and their families I know that will be an important piece of our life that will forever be missing.

Miss you and love you, Mom.

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Responses

  1. So sorry. I got tears in my eyes. I am glad you could pay tribute to her in this way. It reminds me to be thankful, more thankful than I am, my mom is still around.

  2. I just blogged today regarding the loss of my brother.
    -Kathi
    http://www.bigsis-littlesis.com/2011/06/survivors-guilt.html

  3. I wanted to thank you for your kind words you posted on my blog yesterday regarding the loss of my brother. I am very new to the blogging world and I don’t exactly know how my blog linked to yours but I’m very grateful that it did.

    I was so deeply saddened to read about the loss of your beloved mother to cancer also. I too feel that no matter how many years that pass, the pain and the ache will always remain more strongly at times, as you so beautifully expressed. I struggle with similar thoughts that my nephew and niece will never experience their important milestones such as graduations, weddings, having a grandfather to love their children because their dad left this earth too soon. I know how traumatized I was with his death and I cannot even remotely imagine what they must feel. They up and moved to Florida and lost contact with us probably because we are constant reminders of the haunting memories of the past.

    You posted a wonderful, loving tribute to your mother and a beautiful picture of her…I hope we can continue to keep in touch for support.

    God Bless You and Your Beautiful Family…. Always,
    Kathi…Little Sis


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