Posted by: Ingrid | August 28, 2011


Friday started as one of those rough pregnancy days.  The kind where you look in the mirror and think about where you’re at and how you feel and you say, loudly, vehemently: I just want my body back.  I am coming to grips with the fact that I am not one of those women who loves pregnancy, which I think is okay, but occasionally it spirals downhill fast.  The spiraling might also be impacted directly by the amount of sleep averaged in the past month, too, but regardless, I am a little sad that some days I feel so selfish and ungrateful to be pregnant.  I’m glad there are women out there who love every minute of it.  I guess they help balance the pregnant me’s of this world out.

In that frame of mind I met up with my spiritual director for our second meeting.  She is a fascinating woman.  She is also dying of cancer.  In the month and a half since our initial appointment she had lost her hair and the oxygen machine in the room sighed gently throughout our meeting.  She shared that sort of ageless fragility that I’d seen in my mom and other women at certain points during their battles with cancer.

We talked about several things, none of which had anything to do with the pregnancy thoughts I’d woken up with, even though they were hanging around in the back of my mind.  When we finished meeting she flipped through her planner so that we could schedule our next appointment, her vein-lined hands shaking uncontrollably as she tried to separate two pages from September.  She finally got the pages detached and my name carefully penciled in.  She looked up at me wryly, but with a bit of sadness.

Sometimes I just want my body back.

That was perhaps the best unsolicited bit of perspective I could have received.



  1. Oh wow…very poignant. I’m usually a lurker on your blog, but had to pop in to say thanks for sharing this one. I’m 31 weeks pregnant with my first, and while it’s been easy for me, and for the most part I have loved it, there are still days when I need a reality check. Thanks for this one. 🙂

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