Posted by: Ingrid | March 16, 2012

Still here, somewhere

Daily I have words swirling around in my mind.  Blog posts write and edit themselves in my thoughts and then quickly break into pieces and disappear.

There are so many thoughts and emotions that I feel like I am processing right now.  In true form, I want to put them into words and find closure.  I want to give my thoughts form, put them to words, and give them to people. I know that writing for someone, as opposed to trying to quickly jot thoughts in my journal, tends to make me write and think more thoroughly.  But gone are the days of naively emotional posts.  I also know that words, especially those that are written, carry weight and are not quickly taken back.

I am left with the odd feeling that I have too much to say and too much emotion to express and not nearly the time I need to connect with the right people.

Beyond all that, I am tired.  Almost as tired as when my mom died.  I think, (taking into account the energy expended caring for two small children) that my body simply processes grief and loss by being exhausted.

And so I get up every day and go through the litany of our life.

Dress and feed the kids.

Get out of the house and into the sunshine.

Do the laundry.

Make more granola bars.

Get the vacuum fixed.

Make more wipes.

Read Isaac stories.

Try not to worry.

Plan dinner.

Try to keep running.

Try to keep up with life.

Keeping up with the bare minimum that each day demands is enough to take care of.

One of these days I will wake up more and be here more often but that day is not today.  And I think that’s okay.

Running Song of the Day:  Waking Ashland Same Problem

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Responses

  1. love you friend. praying for you guys. my door is open. always.

  2. Love you, too!

  3. You’re on my mind and my heart so often lately. I love you.

  4. not sure what is going on and i don`t want to make assumptions (i.e. postpartum issues) but whatever it is i wish you easier and lighter times ahead. sometimes going through the motions without really being present is what has to happen while bigger things are processed behind the scenes and, as you say, that is okay.
    i hope it is not inappropriate to say that that was beautifully written…


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